So you’re home for the summer from your first year at college. You’ve grown used to stumbling blurrily into bed at four in the morning to find your roommate getting it on with that crew guy. Maybe you showed up to a couple classes still drunk from the night before. Maybe you partook in a little sexual experimentation with your best friend after one too many Franzia bombs. Totally cool.
Now, all of a sudden, you’ve got a curfew again. Even worse, you remember that most of your friends are in the Christian Alliances at their school and won’t touch the firewater. Total curveball, right? Look at you, all out of luck and whining like a spoiled white girl about how you’re stuck in your room watching old episodes of Arrested Development and feeding the fat roll around your waist (consisting mostly of Cheez-Its). Here are some tips to replace those cheesey sincrackers with some good ol’ fuck-up juice:
1. You could get an ID, but really, they are madfuckin expensive and often not that good. Instead, work in a restaurant– not too fancy, now. Make friends with the servers. They will mostly be over 21, mostly heavy drinkers (many will of course, go a few extra steps as far as drug use goes). Get them to make a detour at the liquor store if they ask for a ride home. (While you’re there, buy them a beer for their trouble.)
2. Cheap white wine will do the trick. Chilean Sauvingions for $8 a bottle, sweet Zinfandels, &c. Totally yummers! Remember, you’re working in a restaurant and you are POOR AS FUCK. Seriously, even cheapass wine usually tastes all right, whereas gross vodka tastes just grosser than I could even want to think about.
3. Keep the bottle in your room. Specifically, in the empty guitar case in your closet. Why would your mom ever go in there? She doesn’t play the guitar. And she hates your closet.
4. But if the bottle’s in your room, won’t it be all lukewarm and sour? SOLUTION: get a glass of water before you retire for the night. Shitload of ice; add some water for effect. Like you’re craving a very small amount of very cold water. It’s happened I guess. (Now you are forced to drink the water, which is a good way to get those eight glasses That Magazine told your mom about.)
5. Ta-da. Flawless, chilled, alcholtastic evening. Invite a buddy over or, hey, Arrested Development will be even funnier. Kudos, you. You did it again. Go brag about it to someone who has friends who chugthestuff and parents that believe you when you say Kathryn’s hosting a slumber party.
