The things I do for money.

Jump to Comments

I mean, Jesus. I’m so close to not being able to take it anymore.

I work as a hostess at an Outback Steakhouse (just in case you weren’t sure that I am way cool). Part of my job is to listen to stupid complaints and stupid jokes provided by a seemingly endless supply of old people. Nothing against old people. I myself look forward to becoming a well-dressed, pop culture-savvy, and sweet (yet slightly feisty) old lady someday. If all goes well, I will have an herb garden. But honestly, I promise I will never make dumb jokes at young, helpful strangers.

Here are some jokes that are not funny:

1. Hostess: “Good evening. How many do you have in your party?”
Old Person: (looks around exaggeratedly) “Seventeen. Brarharhar. I’m jus kiddin.”
Hostess: “Um okay, I guess that means two.”

2. Old Person: (looking around at tables, not realizing there is a reason they are empty, e.g. it’s five minutes before closing, or the restaurant is short-staffed) “Brawhawhaw, hope you can find me a seat.”
Hostess: “Um, I will try.”

3. Hostess: “Here’s your pager. When it goes off again, just come on up, and we’ll get you seated.”
Old Person: “Oh, it’s goin off now. That was fast. Hur hur hur. Where’s my table?”
Hostess: “That’s the demo, and I’m going to kill myself, right now, in front of you.”

4. Hostess: “Let me get that door for you because it is my job.”
Old Person: “Well, look at that, a young lady getting the door for me! Heh heh heh. Look at your puny arms compared to my rippling skin flaps.”
Hostess: “I am embarrassed at how old you are right now.”

Here are some of my favorite complaints. Thank you, Old People!

1. Old Person: “God, it’s freezin in here! Ugh, it’s freezin!”
Hostess: “Hi, how many in your party?”
Old Person: “It’s so cold! Put us in a warm spot.”
Hostess: “Okay, I saved you some furnace-side seats, right this way…..Um, no. No, I didn’t.”
Old Person: “It’s freezin!”

2. Old Person: “There’s some trash under my table, by my feet, where it’s not hurting me.”
Hostess: “I guess you are expecting me to crawl down there and get that straw wrapper.”

3. Old Person: “That seat is wet!”
Hostess: “That is because it is clean. But okay, I will walk across the restaurant and get the dirty ketchup-stained rag under the host stand, during which time, the seat will dry off like Mother Nature intended.”

4. Old Person: “We don’t have menus!”
Hostess: “Did someone seat you?”
Old Person: “No!”
Hostess: “So you just seated yourself at a table, like at a food court.”
Old Person: “How can I eat without a menu?!”

5. Old Person: “We don’t wanna sit next to that very calm and quiet baby.”
Hostess: “Okay, right this way to the No Youths Allowed section, i.e., in about two minutes, I will put a screaming baby at the table right next to you.”

Well, what would be the point of working in a steakhouse if I didn’t get to lose faith in humanity (and my golden years), one table at a time?

1 Comment

Filed under Lists

Tags: old people, Outback, work